Miley went full retard.

Damnit, Miley. Everybody knows you never go full retard.

Stupid shit I see on The Bunker (An Open Letter to Jake Holland and Family)

The absolute best part about this self-righteous, sanctimonious drivel is when he calls out the people who "vilified" Holland for "know[ing] so little about f/ball." There is nothing dumber than the "trust the coaches!" bullshit on message boards. Do I get paid to coach football? No. Could I do it better? Probably not. Could he whip my ass? More than likely. But, I can tell you that this guy is hilariously bad at football. I mean, I get that it doesn't make him a bad guy, but it also doesn't mean we can't laugh at shit like this:

or this

or this

or this

or this

or this

or this

Jake Holland, you will be missed (like one of your tackles). Boom roasted. 

Dude freezes to death just chilling in his ex-wife's crawl space.

JEFFERSON COUNTY, Alabama - The body of a man was found sitting in a chair in the crawl space of a home this afternoon, and authorities say it's possible he froze to death.
The man was discovered Friday afternoon under a home in the 1600 block of 7th Street N.W. in the Center Point area. He was found by a plumber who went under the house to repair broken pipes, said Jefferson County sheriff's Chief Deputy Randy Christian.
Authorities have not released the name of the 55-year-old man. Christian said he is the ex-husband of the woman who currently lives in the home.
The man no longer lived there. He has other family who lives in the area, but he was not living with them either, and they haven't seen him in several days, Christian said. His ex-wife said she was unaware why he would be under the house.
Christian said no foul play is suspected. The cause of death is under investigation, and it's possible it was the result of exposure to the outdoor elements.
"This is such a sad and strange case to report on,'' Christian said. "I don't know that we will ever learn why he was under that house. It's likely he is the only one that could have answered that."

I don't know why, but  I feel certain that this dude was masturbating down there. No way I'm going to google it, but I think that there has to be some kind of a Tell Tale Heart fetish out there. If not, he was 100% going to kill her and make a cage with her bones. Or, fuck, maybe he just went under there to thaw out the pipes and the bitch locked him in.

Welcome to T-Town Layla Kiffin!

ESPN - Alabama has hired Lane Kiffin as the Tide's new offensive coordinator, sources told ESPN.com.
The two sides have agreed to a deal and a contract is in the process of being completed, sources said.
Kiffin was fired as USC's head coach in late September after a 62-41 loss at Arizona State. He registered a 28-15 record with the Trojans following a one-year stint at Tennessee, where he was 7-6.
The 38-year-old Kiffin visited with Alabama coach Nick Saban before the Allstate Sugar Bowl "to share ideas and exchange ideas ... [for] professional development," Saban said at the time.
"Lane is a really good offensive coach, and I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for him," Saban said then. "Just to come in and brainstorm a little bit to get some professional ideas with our guys is a really positive thing."
Doug Nussmeier left Alabama on Thursday to become offensive coordinator on Brady Hoke's staff at Michigan.

You know what this means? LAYLA is coming to town.

Just a smoke factory right there. Cannot wait to see that fine ass in some houndstooth. I don't give a fuck that her husband is an elite-tier douchebag who has done absolutely nothing to warrant his position in life. She's wonderful. Oozing sex but at the same time just adorably cute. I would be willing to raise Lane Kiffin's kids to be with her, no joke. Take them under my wing as my own. I'd probably even pay him child support for me to raise his kids. I just want to step in and steal his family.

Fun blogger fact: I have a German Shepard named Layla. No comment on weather she was named after the (soon to be former) Mrs. Kiffin. 

Freddie Freeman got his wisdom teeth taken out and looks even more like Buzz.

Wisdom teeth came out this morning! #chipmunkcheeks pic.twitter.com/JuRrv3UeD4
— Freddie Freeman (@FreddieFreeman5) January 9, 2014

I bet he still slays pussy.

The Grey Lady strikes again!

Am told Garrick McGhee will resign as #UAB's head coach to go join Bobby Petrinto's staff at #Louisville. 1st reported by espn.
— Bruce Feldman (@BFeldmanCBS) January 9, 2014

Come on, Blazers. Your head coach is leaving to be on the staff at Louisville. Now, I can't particularly blame Garrick McGhee here because the UAB job absolutely blows. Not only do they play in an utter shithole at Legion Field, but it's an empty utter shithole because you can't play night games there without getting robbed. The only positive to the area is the "blue motherfucker" at the Tide & Tiger (see parking map below), which I'm fairly certain is just windex and Aristocrat 100 proof.

Stupid shit from The Bunker/BOL

I'm going to start posting stupid shit I find on The Bunker or BamaOnline, message boards for Auburn and Alabama, respectively.

First up, caveman7911 going full on "they all look the same to me":

You decide:

vs.

Okay, maybe he isn't that far off...

Harvey Updyke has elected to pay off his restitution over 1,300 years.

AUBURN, Ala.-- In court documents filed the week of Dec. 13, 2013, Harvey Updyke and his legal staff requested that his $500 a month restitution payments be lowered to $50.
At that rate, it would take Updyke 1,300 years to pay the$800,000 he owes for poisoning Toomer's Corner in 2010. Even at $500 a month, it would still take 123 years to pay the debt.
On Thursday, Lee County DA filed a motion to oppose that request, a day before the deadline to do so.
According to court documents, Updyke has an income of $3,030 and expenses of $2,793. Scrawled in handwriting, the motion says that he and his wife are on 23 medications that contributes to their expenses.
The DA argued that insufficient evidence of hardship was given, including a lack of testimony to his indigence.
The $800,000 Updyke owes is set to go to the costs incurred to remove the poisoned trees, treat the damaged soil and for the labor of the Auburn grounds department.
Another portion of the restitution would go to the design of the new wire structure as well as court costs and legal fees.  

Strong move by Harvey Almorn Updyke right there, but $800,000 restitution might as well have been eighty gajillion. We're talking made up numbers here. Actually paying it off is an utter impossibility, especially when the dude's only income goes to his 23 prescriptions and mustache wax. Harvey's been good and fucked by the long dick of Lee County law enforcement; isn't it about time they give the dude a break? I know he's an absolute nutcase and was probably only 90 seconds away from scalping Chief Osceola, but the dude has pretty much paid his debt to society for killing a few trees.

Or perhaps not...

Also, by looking at the court documents there is zero doubt in my mind that Harvey holds the pen in the palm of his hand and writes closed-fisted. There's really no other explanation.

If Iowa gets a barstool site, Alabama deserves one.

I'll start with the caveat that I don't have any beef with Iowa. Ferentz has figured out the stoolie cube monkey's dream: how to be absolutely shitty at your job and still get paid more than anybody else. But, how in the fuck does Iowa get a barstool site before Alabama? The Great State of Alabama kicks the shit out of them in literally every category. To prove it, I'm going to put forth a Kirk Ferentz effort and get Nick Saban results.

EXHIBIT A, SMOKES:

Iowa

Every girl in Iowa, right here:

Alabama

Webb is top 5 in the game right now.

Dufner is from one county over.

These two were born fifteen miles apart in Alabama. You probably couldn't find two girls within a fifteen mile radius in Iowa.

EXHIBIT B, FANS:

Iowa

Sportsmanship? How sweet!

Alabama

We have people who kill rivals' beloved landmarks.

And put their nutsacks on passed out opponent's faces.

And sprint across the field to get their baby signed.

They even FUCKING KILL PEOPLE.

EXHIBIT C, SPORTS:

Iowa

Great sports movie, but it's the only thing Iowa has done right in sports aside from producing great American/Top-Notch Xenophobe Ricky Stanzi and the boring kind of wrestling.

Alabama

ABC. Advantage, Alabama.