If Iowa gets a barstool site, Alabama deserves one.

I'll start with the caveat that I don't have any beef with Iowa. Ferentz has figured out the stoolie cube monkey's dream: how to be absolutely shitty at your job and still get paid more than anybody else. But, how in the fuck does Iowa get a barstool site before Alabama? The Great State of Alabama kicks the shit out of them in literally every category. To prove it, I'm going to put forth a Kirk Ferentz effort and get Nick Saban results.

EXHIBIT A, SMOKES:

Iowa

Every girl in Iowa, right here:

Alabama

Webb is top 5 in the game right now.

Dufner is from one county over.

These two were born fifteen miles apart in Alabama. You probably couldn't find two girls within a fifteen mile radius in Iowa.

EXHIBIT B, FANS:

Iowa

Sportsmanship? How sweet!

Alabama

We have people who kill rivals' beloved landmarks.

And put their nutsacks on passed out opponent's faces.

And sprint across the field to get their baby signed.

They even FUCKING KILL PEOPLE.

EXHIBIT C, SPORTS:

Iowa

Great sports movie, but it's the only thing Iowa has done right in sports aside from producing great American/Top-Notch Xenophobe Ricky Stanzi and the boring kind of wrestling.

Alabama

ABC. Advantage, Alabama.